


space pants

by empy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-20 20:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12441348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/empy/pseuds/empy
Summary: an obnoxious new pizza guy obsessed with memes and pickup lines, a hot but very emo regular with the best eyebrows, two husbands that don't know they're married (basically), a cute nerdy lesbian, a girl whose milkshakes bring all the boys (and the girls) to the yard, the world's greatest chef, and an angel by day but champion female wrestler by night. pretty interesting group of people, right? yeah, this fanfic is probably the shittiest thing you'll ever read.au where keith wears crop tops, lance has no standards, hunk is soft (when isn't he tho), shay is actually a badass, and allura and pidge become the world's greatest pair of cupids.





	space pants

**Author's Note:**

> be prepared for bad memes, blatant gay pining, angst (what do you expect), so much cussing, and really really bad memes. just a fair warning. also, for you extra super duper liberal liberals out there, me too, but i'm using she/her for pidge, aight?
> 
> also, there will be no smut, so if that's all you're here for, skeet skeet and move on to some other fic i ain't finna write.
> 
> p.s. if you steal my shit, i will personally come @ you and shove a bih-bo-bi up your ass. i might also sic slav on you and trust me, if shiro will lose his shit over that guy, then i promise, everyone else will, too.
> 
> btw i am really, really, really sorry about this in advance, holy s h i t this is gonna be really bad.
> 
> that is all.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lance solicits breadsticks and a salty gay keith cracks open a cold one with the boys on a crisp saturday afternoon
> 
> sorry not sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk what the fuck this is

"Yes. Just cheese with barbeque sauce. That's honestly all," Keith groaned for the umpteenth time. He was beginning to grow exhausted of this pizza guy.

The boy's voice was loud and obnoxious on the other end of the line. "Are you sure you don't want our specialt-"

"For the last time, I do not want your damn breadsticks!" Keith yelled.

The pizza guy grew defensive. "Alright, alright, sorry. I'm new to this, okay? I'm kind of training right now and we're required to offer deals."

"You mean solicit your greasy breadsticks to a nearly broke college student who has said five times that he doesn't want-"

"Our damn breadsticks. Yeah, yeah. Whatever, it'll be $7.89 plus tips at delivery," said the boy.

"Thanks," muttered Keith, proceeding to hang up. "Tips? Pfft. As if." Keith openly cringed at himself. "'As if'? Shit, I'm turning into a stereotypical gay."

After shaking his head and standing up, he shuffled into the living room to crack open a cold one with the boys on a crisp Saturday afternoon.

**(A/N: I'm an actual meme what even is my writing style I'm really** **hecking** **sorry and I need an intervention.)**

Actually, he was just going to sit on his couch while he waited for Shiro and Matt. Aka the practically married couple that still call each other 'dude' and 'bro' because they're still deep in denial even though they're constantly giving each other _that_ look.

The door swung open as if Keith's thoughts summoned them.

"Knock knock," said Shiro as he entered the living room.

Matt just made himself right at home, plopping down onto the couch and putting his legs up on the coffee table.

Shiro gave an exasperated sigh. "Matthew, you're twenty-three, put your feet down." He knew his efforts were for naught, as Matt chose to ignore his chastising. He always did.

"Might as well give up, Shiro, he won't stop. Besides, I don't mind. I got a pizza ordered, by the way." Keith rolled his eyes. "Dumbass pizza kid kept trying to offer me their 'specialty breadsticks' that I specifically declined _at least_ five times."

"Must be the new worker there," Matt replied. "I was there earlier. He's pretty cute, probably queer." He gave Keith a light shove.

"Oh, _hell,_ no!" Keith exclaimed at the implication.

Mattwas laughing his ass off, as if it was funny. It wasn't. "Relax, I'm just messing with you, dumbass."

Keith rolled his eyes. "I'm well aware, I'm not stupid."

"When is the pizza coming?" Shiro asked as he plopped down next to his boyfriend (even though he totally has no idea that this is his boyfriend).

 _"'Delivery in under thirty minutes or it's on us!'"_ Keith quoted. "Trust me, I get so much free pizza, it's great. They should really change that policy if they want to start earning any money."

_***** _ _**spongebob** _ _**narrator voice* forty minutes later** _

"You're late," Keith deadpanned as he opened the door to reveal the pizza guy.

"Like I said, I'm new," Pizza Dumbass replied with just as much flatness.

Without looking up, Keith counted out ten dollars in ones, because that's all his cheap ass had. He looked up when he handed him the cash, and his gay heart skipped about ten beats.

 _Daaaamn_ _, this kid is_ _fiiiine_ _,_ the flaming homosexual thought to himself. He awkwardly cleared his throat and grabbed the pizza box from the seemingly confused boy.

Pizza Dumbass was also giving Keith heart eyes, but Keith thought nothing of it. Keith, being a very beautiful boy, constantly got heart eyes, even from straight men and lesbians. The slightly taller boy tentatively took the cash from Keith. "You know it's free after thirty minutes," he reminded.

Keith took a breath to restore his cool composure and he looked back up at Pizza Dumbass with a plain, careless look. "Yeah, but I'm a decent guy and I think a kid like you could use the money anyways. Besides, what your boss doesn't know won't hurt him. Just tell 'em you were on time." He reached out and gave the kid a light, nonchalant slap on his upper arm. "You're welcome."

Pizza Dumbass muttered a small "thank you" before turning away and shuffling towards the little car with a pizza delivery sign sitting on the top.

Keith shut the door and turned to bring the pizza box into the living room. He opened it up even before setting the box down on the coffee table.

"Oh, my hell."

Shiro and Matt looked at him with freakishly similar expressions, that confused look with one raised brow and one furrowed brow, where the head is tilted just a tiny bit. The likeness scared him a tad.

_Yep. Husbands. It's confirmed._

Keith looked at the two, taking in a deep breath to control his severe annoyance. "Motherfucker gave us breadsticks anyways," Keith said incredulously, holding up the greasy paper bag. He set the box down onto the coffee table.

"Chill out, it's just free complimentary breadsticks. Besides," Shiro mused, reaching for one. "They're probably pretty good."

"Why the hell did I pay him?" Keith mumbled to himself, ignoring Shiro's comment.

 _Oh yeah._ _Cuz he's hot_.

Matt was now smirking at him a little, a strange glint in his eyes that Keith couldn't place. As Shiro was thoroughly enjoying the greasy pastry, Matt gave him a light shove. "Didn't I tell you he was cute?"

Keith grabbed a slice and sat down on the couch with a huff. He didn't respond, just gave Matt the finger.

Matt placed a hand on his chest, feining hurt like the little anime shit he is. "I can't believe you've done this."

"Save your memes for the internet," Keith grumbled.

  
\---

Lance said nothing as he entered the pizza shop and opened the cash register, setting eight bills in the register and slipping the other two into the tip jar. His brow was furrowed in confusion, but the corners of his mouth tipped up into a smile. He wasn't so sure why he was smiling, but he figured it had something to do with that particularly good looking guy. He seemed like an asshole at first, but just that kind gesture proved that he was more than meets the eye.

"You're smiling like a dork, who was it?"

Lance snapped his head up at the voice, only to see the one and only Allura Altea. He blinked several times, nervously swallowing the lump in his throat. "Uh, n-nobody," he stuttered. Allura was so intimidatingly beautiful, he almost forgot about the boy for a moment.

Allura was the kind of girl that just took your breath away. One look and you were in love, doesn't matter who you are. She was just so impeccably perfect, her flaws making her all the more flawless. She takes you to another world, captures you in a trance that can't even be broken by distance. Lance even found himself being hypnotized by the mere thought of her sometimes. It's like she was some sort of fantastical creature. It was no wonder she won the pageant both times she entered.

She could be a supermodel. And yet, her biggest dream is running a small, local diner where she can show off her flair of making milkshakes. She's lucky enough that she successfully follows that dream every Monday to Friday from ten to ten.

"Come on, it can't be nobody," said the girl as she sat down on the countertop in front of Lance, who was currently counting tips to keep his hands from shaking.

The nervous boy let out a deep breath. "It was definitely nobody."

"Oh, come on!" Allura groaned, leaning over and plucking the bills from his hand and counting it all very quickly before shoving it back into the jar. "Fifty-seven. Now tell me why you were smiling like a dork."

Lance looked up at her, surprised that he wasn't instantly weak at the knees like he usually was when he looked at her. "Fine. It was this one kid that ordered pizza is all."

"Aww, so he's cute, huh?"

"'Cute'? Pfft, no, this guy was _gorgeous,"_ Lance said lowly, leaning against the countertop. Finally, he was collecting his wits again.

Allura prodded his side. "Queer?"

"Likely," Lance scoffed. "I imagine that crop top wasn't for nothing."

"Ahhh, it must've been Keith. Is that his name? Keith?"

Lance, who had begun sipping on some water, nearly choked. He wiped a hand across his mouth and swallowed thickly. "How did you know?"

"Kid's a legend here. He's probably this place's main source of income. He dances, though, so he can maintain his shape," Allura informs.

"He dances? Do you know what kind?" Lance wondered, fully curious now.

She smiled smugly, like she knew what he was thinking. "Street. Just like _someone_ I know."

"That's pretty, uhh, neat," Lance mumbled, scratching the back of his neck now. "Like, what subgenre? Hip hop, trap?"

"All of it," Allura told him, excited now. "He even learned how to pole dance. To build muscle, he claims. I honestly think it brings all the boys to the yard and he likes the attention."

Lance shoved a fist into his mouth to repress the thoughts creeping into his mind. Obviously, it wasn't working. "That's cool," he practically squeaks.

The girl was to the point of having fun with this now. "He sings, too, and _damn,_ does that boy have the voice of a sexy angel."

"Shit, can I get any gayer right now?"

Pink lips spread across dark cheeks into a smirk. "He can ride a motorcycle. In heels."

Lance leaned forward and pressed his head against the countertop. "Oh, man, I've seen him _one time_ and I'm already this whipped."

Allura rubbed his back in mock sympathy, and though he could only see the close-up of the countertop, he knew Allura was smiling.

"And, you're going to see him every day. I'm certain you have a fair chance!"

"You're not helping," he groaned.

_***spongebob narrator voice* two hours later** _

"Come on, Pidge, he was cranky but he wasn't an asshole," Lance assured.

"That's exactly what you said about Nyma. But guess what? Your ass got dumped after a single fucking week," Pidge reprimanded, her focus more on the small device in her hands rather than Lance's current situation.

"Okay, that was a fling and we both knew it, I wasn't actually that bummed about it," he insisted.

Pidge have him a flat look before returning her gaze to the device. "'It's meant to be. I think we're going to get married someday. I really like her, you know? I think we have something real here,'" she quoted.

Lance grumbled, poking out his lower lip. "Alright, so I genuinely thought it could happen. But that was just my dick talking. I mean, the girl's hot! You can't deny that."

Pidge paused, then shrugged. "You have a point." She turned her head to look at Lance. "But you ate fifteen gallons of ice cream and binged every single episode of Friends in the course of twelve days, so don't tell me you weren't bummed."

"I got over it fast," murmured Lance.

"Bitch, you're still hung up on her. She's still your wallpaper."

"Yeah, but she's not my lockscreen anymore." He poked out his tongue. "You know, every time I tell you about someone I like, you disapprove."

"Yeah, cuz they're all assholes. You need to raise your standards, kid."

"Allura's not an asshole!"

She chewed her lip. "Yeah, but... I just... I don't see it. There's not a chemistry there."

"You're just jealous."

Pidge snapped her head to the side to look at him. "What do you mean, 'jealous'?"

Lance crossed his arms. "You're just jealous that I found a hot girl that I actually have a chance with and you don't."

No response came from the small girl, except for a harsh glare and the middle finger.

"Lance, I'm leaving, so unless you wanna walk, I suggest you come with me," Hunk called from the other room.

Lance stood, playfully ruffling Pidge's hair as he moved to leave her small bedroom. "Alright, Pidgeon, see you tomorrow."

"Fuck you," she said flatly.

"Love you, too," he cheered before leaving. Despite his playful behavior, he was a bit down in the dumps from that conversation. What had he said that put Pidge in such a sour mood?

He pulled his jacket from the coat rack by the door, slipping it on as Hunk opened the door, spinning his keys around his finger. He led Lance out towards his car.

"You good?" Hunk asked once the two were both in the car. He didn't bother to look at Lance, just paid more attention to pulling out of the Holts driveway.

"Not really," he muttered. "I think I said something to Pidge and now she's mad at me."

"Hey, she'll come around, she's good like that. Sometimes she can be a little touchy, but she is pretty good at knowing when it's sensible to be hurt and when it's not," Hunk assured him with a small smile.

"Yeah, you're right," Lance replied, letting out a sigh of relief.

"Want some pizza?" Hunk proposed.

Lance turned to face him with a mischievous grin. "Hawaiian, extra pineapple?"

Hunk held up his hand. "You know it, buddy."

With a high five, the deal was sealed.

*spongebob narrator voice* thirty minutes later

"Man, Hunk, I couldn't ask for a better friend," Lance drawled, shoving his fifth slice of very delicious pizza into his mouth.

Hunk let out a warm chuckle. "Just wait until your birthday rolls around in a few months. I'm going to cook you something so exquisite, your Latino mouth will be watering like the ocean that surrounds your home land, and your American stomach will be growling like a wolf on the prowl."

Lance couldn't help himself. He cracked up at Hunk's dead-serious face and perfect Italian accent that would make Pidge proud. "I love you so much, you dumbass."

"Love you too, man, now save some for the fishes," scolded Hunk, reaching for a slice of pizza.

"That's probably the most stupid phrase in existence," Lance said through a mouthful. "I mean, what fish wants pizza?"

"You, Sharkboy, obviously."

"That completely contradicts what you just said. You wanted me to save you some pizza, you being the fishes, but then you say I'm the fish that wants pizza." Lance's brow creased as he tried to sort out the irony of it all.

Hunk shrugs. "I mean, it makes sense." He leaned back, resting his feet on the table. "So anyways, what about that kid you delivered pizza too earlier, eh?"

"Hot as shit," Lance said shamelessly. "Like damn, that boy can rock a flannel and a crop top. I completely forgot that I was bi for a solid hour, I think. Just full on gay. Plus, even though he was trying to be tough and mysterious and sexy, it sooo worked, by the way, I could tell he was nice and sweet and considerate on the inside. He has a bit of a temper, but it's a sexy temper, I'll have you know."

"Looks like someone's whipped," the other boy teased.

Lance let out a smitten laugh. "Man, no doubt about it. No thanks to Lulu for making it ten times worse than it already was. But he's totally out of my league, so I shouldn't get my hopes up."

"Hey, you're not so bad yourself. You have more of a chance than you'd think." Hunk have him a stern look.

The boy scoffed. "Yeah, well, if you saw him, you'd be just as insecure as I am. He's gorgeous, man." He took a long sip of his soda, because man, he was getting hella thirsty now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lance my d00d
> 
> are you not the water kid
> 
> why r u so thirsty damn son
> 
> xoxo thanks for reading :D


End file.
